As some of you know, I have always battled with my weight. When I was little, I never had an issue. It wasn't until puberty that it actually started to become a problem. From age 13 to now, 30, it has been a constant fight. In my teens and early 20's I fluctuated 30-40lbs every couple years. I was always able to lose it with in a year or so. However, it wasn't until I had Charley about 5 years ago that it really got hard. Zero wheel power and energy made it almost impossible to get it under control. But this isn't an entry about weight loss, it's about how I found myself in the course of this crazy weight gain extravaganza...
If I had to do over these last 5-7 years of my life, I wouldn't change a thing or choose to lose a single pound. With ever pound I gained I was forced to figure out my personality in a world that I was terrified of. I never wanted to be fat! However, I refused to allow myself to become timid and insecure because of my weight.
I have to laugh, if you knew me about 10 years ago, I was bit of a brat! I was always saying "I'd never get fat and become like that! I mean, isn't there a limit that "these people"set for themselves that's a rockbottom?!" Oh how young and naive I was. Guess this is me eating my words, among other things.
When I was thin, I was actually pretty unhappy. I was in a constant battle with myself. Not happy with who I was and, even though in hindsight I looked good, was unhappy with how I looked. Nothing was ever good enough! There was always more weight I could lose, my hair could always look better, my personality could always be more magnetic. When I gained weight for some reason I was able to see that all that didn't matter. I had the family I had always wanted. I had a husband who loved me no matter what and never said a thing about the weight I gained. His support is unwavering. I also had a beautiful little boy whom I adored.
I'm not saying all this as to say, I don't want to lose this weight, I do. Everyday I go to battle with my inner temptations, hoping that it will click and I will discover that magical place where I find the motivation to finally get a handle on this. What I am trying to say is...I'm happy, really happy! I have been able to find out what's really important in my life and who I am in the process. Over time, I will eventually lose the weight I have gained, but, I will never lose what I have learned from the weight I have gained...
