I have a stalker. I have been running for my life for the last 15 years. I have been running from a darkness that is deep inside. It is unrelenting. It consumes every moment, every occasion. My stalker is Clinical Depression. Depression is a serious medical condition that inflicts feeling of sadness and anxiety. It's a mood disorder that is the result of chemical imbalances of serotonin in the brain. Depression has stolen many years of my life. It all started in my early teens. My life was great! I have a loving family, friends. There was no reason for me to feel this way. I didn't know it was depression, I just thought I was down, you know, hormones. By the time I was 17, I was going through these extreme highs and lows. I was either REALLY happy or crying in the fetal position. Hiding it was easy, you just always have to smile. I started obsessing about myself. I was never thin enough, funny enough. I used to stare in the mirror for hours, convinced that my face was uneven. My Parents noticed my emotional state and my Mom took me to the doctor. They put me on an anti-depressant. I was so ashamed that never took it.Years passed with times of extreme joy and sadness. My early 20's proved to be my time to shine. Went away to college and met some amazing new people, including my Husband. I found that I could control my depression through drinking. I loved it! It allowed me to escape from myself. While in school I also realized that if I didn't eat, I would look the way I wanted, all while feeling high off of starvation. I lost about 40 pounds in 2 months.
The depression would go away during times of excitement. Getting married to the love of my life was amazing! However, after the newness went away, the darkness crept back. It was like entering a fog. At first you can see through it but eventually it's all around you and you see nothing. Jeremy did everything he could to try to pull me out. There was nothing he could do to fix it, I had to fix it. I got pregnant with Charley and was so happy! The extra hormones helped to balance out my chemical levels. When I had him I was over joyed! But my hormones came crashing down. I was more depressed then I had ever been in my life. I was so confused. I had no reason to be! I didn't understand. My Mom and Dad came to visit. My Father sat next to me and said, "You don't have to do this alone. I think you need to see a doctor." I did. I went a week later and was put on an anti depressant. After a few weeks I felt amazing! I fog was lifting! There was still a haze but I was able to climb out of it. I have been on 'Happy Pills' now for the last 6 years. They have changed my life. I still have moments but I am able to escape it. I am sharing all this to maybe help someone who is feeling this way. So they can get the help they need. I am able to live a normal life now. There are many avenues to healing. Mine was in the form of an anti depressant. Your's may be different. I don't look back on my past with sadness or shame. I look at it with pride. I was able to fight back and now I know what happiness looks like. Not to say that I don't still struggle, cause I do. This will forever be creeping up on me but now I have the tools today to deal with it.