Friday, June 24, 2011

Parenting = time share at plaza de crazy

(Disclaimer: This was written late at night and on about 3 hours of sleep from the night before. If you read this and have no idea what I'm talking about, don't worry, I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow, read it, and wonder the exact same thing.....)

"Seriously?!? Why is there a puddle in the middle of my living room??!?!?" 

"Why is there an plastic army man sitting on the top shelf of the fridge?!?!?"

"Are you sure you aren't Chinese? Cause I have no idea what you are saying...."

     These are questions that either float through my mind or come out of my mouth. Charley is my energetic, cute, loving little guy. He loves toy cars, chicken nuggets and long strolls on the beach. He also loves to leave me a bit puzzled. 
     
     Case in point, food: The kid won't touch a banana but he'll eat play-doh....(scratching head in confusion) I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm all about trying new things, but lets maybe master the basics before we dive into eating indigestible art supplies....
     Chocolate milk is a staple in my home. I actually start to panic when the carton gets below half. My 3 year old is like a heroin junky when it comes to his milk. He has the milk-man on speed dial and I already have an intervention scheduled for next month, I still have to write my letter....
     
     I have often heard that if your child doesn't end up in prison you have succeeded as a parent. You know I say, a better mark for success should be:
     
     1) Is my child making VooDoo dolls and sacrificing them in their room after you put them to bed?
     
     2) Have I caught my 3 year old driving my car and he didn't refill the tank when he got home?

     3) Does my child have a mysterious cash flow coming in from the playground?

If you answered 'YES' to any of these questions, you have failed and I am judging you right now for it. Can you feel the judgement? Ok not really cause I'm pretty sure Charley has been taking the car out late at night to buy and sell VooDoo dolls........

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